I am a 56 year old transgender female.

I am a 56 year old transgender female. I grew up in a time when being transgender was treated as a mental disorder. I grew up in a very large catholic family I was the middle child of nine. My father was emotionally unavailable to his crazy son. At age 15 he drove me to a state mental hospital and dropped me off and never came to visit. In fact he tried to have the state declare me an encouragable child in order to have me taken away.
He never touched me unless he was beating me with a belt. An older brother love to get his amusement by sitting on my chest with his knees on my hands and holding a pillow over my head till I passed out. I soon became terrified to be alnone with him.

During the months at the state mental hospital I endured days locked in a room alone with only my own thoughts, misuse by those charged with my care, forced injections of some sort of medications and threats of Electro shock therapy. I lived in hell and survived barely. Afterwards I learned to hide who I was inside and learned to appear as macho as I could possibly appear.

I eventually married and fathered two children, all as part of the persona of protection I had built around me. My children grew up with a dad who was always sad and depressed. Who though he did love them could never ever fully connect with them. I was in and out of mental wards for a long time. In the mid 80′s I attempted suicide a full bottle of an anti-dpressant (Trazodone) 500 mg tabs. I spent a few weeks in ICU afterwards was tranfered to a mental hospital and was there several months and suffered several severe grand mal siezures. A temporary after effect from the suicide attempt.

A year and a half ago I finally found the courage to announce to my children and my family my intention to transition. This was the last time and communication with any of them occurred. Though this greatly saddened me I continued along and have been living successfully as a female ever since.

That is of course till recently. The memories of the past have come back with a vengence. The pain and confusion, the hurt and terror of those times have become as fresh as they were then. I am trapped here, with no one who cares. My life has been one long nightmare. It’s time to stop it now. I have 24 vicodin 5/500mg and 20 ambien 10mg along with a 90 day supply of metformin 500mg.

I just want someone to know the pain I intend to leave behind.

Downward Spiral
by: Priscilla Millano 01/06/2012

On a downward spiral my life has been;
With this pain and despair I’m trapped here within.
To not be the one you are deep inside
And, to know from all others you must always hide.
This daily game of hide and seek
Soon one’s hope of tomorrow becomes so, so bleak.

I’ve fought so hard to gain control of my life,
Yet, I’m left trapped here with this pain and misery and even strife.
All those around me say, “Its forward, forward you must go!”
But, in this direction I just can’t go.
I’m tired of acting, and no longer want to pretend,
I want this pain and misery just to come to an end.

Yet if I go by the plan I’ve contrived,
What will happen to the one who hides here inside?
See she’s never experienced the true joy of life
It’s her existence that’s caused everyone’s strife
They hate her, despise her and wish she was gone.
And wish she would see not another dawn.

I am her and she is me
Why, oh why can they not see?
I am invisible the one without form
Yes of my existence there just is no norm!
So many things that I have done,
to get the attention of even one.

But they do not see me that I am here
And never acknowledge my behavior severe.
I’ve run out of options, to find my life
And now I’m trapped here in pain, misery and strife.
So what happens next I do not know
But, from this place, I must surely go.