I have 44 ambien at 10 mg each, I have 53 seroquel at 100 mg each, I have at least 200 xanax at 1 mg. I have been unemployed for 18 months, everything I do is wrong, I cannot find a descent job, we used to have a life. We were married at age 15/17–first child at 18/20 second at 23/25. Married 33 years. Both kids out of house before we were 40! We planned it that way to have a life afterwards-now, my being unemployed causes fights every single day. I don’t know what to do-I made 50k a year…now IF I can find a job, it will be @9,000. My husband is very critical of me-what I do, what I buy, where I go, he hasn’t had anything to do with me in months. We both have health problems, although people care about his–mine is never mentioned, we cannot afford them. I do have a life insurance policy of a few hundred thousand. I am so tired of everyday being a disappointment to myself and my husband. I have no friends, I hate my relatives, I am so very alone. I was in therapy but stopped b/c I wasn’t getting any ‘tools’ to help, yet going once a week and spending money. I cancel dr. appt because we can’t afford them and afterall–it’s HIS coverage. I can think of no other way–the ONLY concerns I have are:
A. I DO have an implanted ICD device-which is a three lead pacemaker plus defibrillator surgically implanted in the chest wall-just this past June. I Hate IT!! plus I have adhd-taking 60 mg a day of adderall along with the xanax, lisinopril, seroquel and spironalate (sp?)
B. Do I have enough medication to end this once and for all, I don’t want to be a vegetable and I don’t want my implant to ‘save me’ Please just give me the facts, I have am looking for the usual–please don’t, there is always an answer…I am tired of hearing it, waiting for it and just want it over. Thank you in advance, I appreciate your comments.
bobbieminard@gmail.com
The meds you have will not kill you, just make you way sicker than you already are. Even if they stayed down, all you would get is liver and kidney damage.
I suggest charcoal – a hibachi in an enclosed room leads to a painless passing, a dozen briquets will do. You will sleep then pass from CO1 poisoning. Leave a note on the door to warn others of the deadly gas inside.
Go in peace.
thank you–very interesting….and I do appreciate ‘just the facts’ I sure as hell don’t need a 24/7 phone number–I have tried help. did they not read? no friends, no use to kids–my son has not been here in the past 6 years..he says he will come over when his dad has a new wife. however, he is a spineless pos to me, I can’t believe I gave birth to such a worthless peice of crap…I hope to never see him again and I have strict instructions that he is not to be at my funeral services….I can just see him clapping with delight!–he can talk all he wants about “ME” but he never once seen his dad when he had cancer treatments. THAT was my fault too –neither of us smoke–so I must have poisoned him–really??? who was there everyday for my husband? ME. yet when I had heart surgery (a 7 hour ordeal) my husband left-he went home. he went to work. he came back later for a bit. we told nobody as i fear somebody hitting me in the chest on purpose then. it hurts like hell–the scar is so big and ugly, the cell phone type device sticking out of my chest…maybe that’s why I can’t get a job…OR when I do, they let me go within a month. I truly have no reason to be here, there is not one life that is better b/c of me in their life. I will try the charcoal–should it be outside….as in the garage with the garage doors shut and my car door open or does it need to be more airtight and inside the house? again, thank you very much….I would love to get this done tomorrow!
Wait what? What about the life you and your husband dreamed about all those years ago? You need to think about that and level with yourself and each other. You are making the problems out to be wayy bigger than they really are. You must live for something larger and bigger than yourself. Its always there, you just need to find it.
there is nothing to live for–my husband has nothing to do with me. has not had anything to do with me in like 5-6 years!!! I am not even 50, I am not out of shape. I have ugly scars on my chest from the icd implant. he thinks I am beneath him—afterall, he had cancer and his family was so concerned, I was labeled a gold digger by them. I have dropped the life insurance coverage on him so they know I won’t receive a dime–I could not even pay for his services, but I’ll lose his house and they will be paid. ..he takes my keys and locks me in the house. he wants to appear happy to the world….they have no idea how miserable we are. however, if I go first-he will be very wealthy and is still young enough to move on–I’m sure his son and family will make sure he finds someone. He’ll be quite the catch!
Life is worth living! Think about your children. You have devoted so many years already to your family, don’t give up now. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you need someone to talk to about what you are feeling.
Call the hotline and give them a chance. You seem like a reasonable person, so listen to all the arguments. Ending it is selfish. Kids and grandkids need you. Better times await. I know if is impossible now to imagine but again, you have been thinking this through pretty carefully and you seem like a smart person, so do at least one more smart thing and call the hotline. Hear what they have to say, and consider it all. 800-273-8255.
Steve
Hello,
I’m a teacher working on Master’s in Counselling Psych and I’d like to make a couple of comments.I’m sure you’re a good person and I feel sorry for the situation you’re in. Did you know that job loss is a major life stressor? I hear you saying that you feel like a disappointment to everyone, including yourself. Maybe you need to dump that husband of yours- he sure doesn’t seem to be kind or supportive and your self-esteem is spiraling downward. What kind of guy is awful because you’re not longer hauling in a paycheck? Your ADHD is likely not responding well to all this unhappiness and I wonder if your meds need changing. Can your kids help you? Were your friends more work colleagues, who have gone their own ways now that you’re not working? That’s happened to me. You’re very depressed and I can’t say as I blame you but get medical/psych help and to hell with the cost. Get help because you’re a valuable person and you deserve to feel better. Take care.
I am not going to tell you “Please don’t kill yourself”. I have contemplated suicides at so many points in my life, I’d be a hypocrite if I said so. I also believe that if you want to leave this world on your own volition, you have every right to do so. One thing I do want to point out though – is that we don’t really have as much control over our life as we think we do. Things could change on the drop of a dime – for better or for worse. Your husband may die. You might be hit by a car tomorrow morning. Your kids might give you grandkids to play with. You may hit a lottery and then lose it all. Of course, if it is too overwhelming and you rather just go now, then go. But if you decide to stay around just for a little longer, you might find something else that is worth doing in this life. We all only have one life, so enjoy it. We all will eventually die, so there is really nothing to lose. Either way, we’ll be six feet under
You’ve got to search for some help and always always keep your family in mind. Let your husband know what your going through and cry ou forr your husband to be th. at caring man you fell in love with amd married! I beg you to try, there are reasons all around you….im 32in and my dad actually overdoased himself on purpose and that pain will never leave me or my brothers! You can call me if you want or need help from someone who can just listen to you or try and be a supportive shoulder to lean on! 760 271 5269 don’t hessitate to call anytime!
this is your decision and it is up to you to make it. facts wise:you have enough medication to kill two full grown adults with the ambien and xanax alone. however if you were to take all the xanax and ambien at once, you would most likely throw up. you would have to gradually take them, and than take the last big amount right before you fall asleep. i am not advising this, for suicide is the most selfish act. it may set you free from the life you live, but the ones you love will remain here. it will be them who pay the consequences of your action.
I know what you are going through- it is the medicine! People that have not gone through the side effects can’t understand how you are feeling and doctors seem to want to just prescribe more medicine! I have been so close to suicide- but I have been too afraid of hurting someone or failing at it. I have started a long arduous journey of weaning off Xanax and Ambien. There are good days and with the help of friends and even strangers you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know exactly how you feel – I really do mean that, not having a job is so depressing, and I have gone thru alot of the same feelings you posted…My husband is also very critical of me and what I do/buy/go and he hasn’t had anything to do with me in months – says its because I dont have a job and he is stressed, I found out he’s been having an affair with a neighbour I see everyday and that has really taken a huge toll on me, I have been extremely depressed and sucidal, so I can relate. I feel like I can never be happy again (my mind says this isnt true but my heart disagrees), I am pretty much alone as well.
My being unemployed causes us to fight just about every single day, I used to work somewhere that I loved, with the coolest people and I felt so alive back then and not working and seeing the girlfriend (a married neighbour) everyday feels like I am now in hell – everything that was so great about my life before is just turned upside down… I feel constant stress everyday and worry about losing my house/car etc…. I feel without my husband there’s nothing to live for, I love him and hate him at the same time… Sorry, I am rambling – have you ever thought that it was the cirmstances your in that is the problem, NOT you but the cirmstance itself your in?
I totally understand what your feeling, sorry but your husband is a jerk and its unfair that you are still so totally yeildingly nice to him, that your still putting him first and he is so selfish that he’s letting you do this like you dont matter or your not important enough? Why? Because he makes you feel that way??? What kind of *** locks you in the house? Why are you taking that kind of treatment from him???
I am not suprised you feel like this being treated like this much less with your health problems. Do you know with ADD, that stress makes you feel more depressed and you have enormous stress as it its… I am quite angry that you being treated so badly and your not able to change that right now, all of this crap is robbing you out of feeling any joy in your life because you deserve to be happy just like everyone else in this world….
You are a good person in a bad situation, and you are a really strong person to have lasted this long with no support from friends or family, to not be vindictive to him either – SO, please try something different first, treat yourself as (actually MORE) important as you do him – change the people your around/the situation (I know that is hard because with no job, your stuck around them – my issue right now)… if you cant change things right now, try to change the way you look at things, hang in there… Youre not alone.