Life with Insomnia

First, I never abused it, took more than prescribed, or during the day, but would often drink a glass of wine before bed, and occasionally mixed with hydrocodone, tramadol, and/or prednisone. I’m a college educated, classic type A workaholic, who has struggled with Systemic Lupus and Fibromyalgia for 14 years, both of which cause chronic pain and sleep disturbances. I used marijuana for years, with excellent results, but decided to give it up because I was tired of living under the threat of job loss and criminal prosecution (hopefully we can relocate to a medical state in the near future). My husband travels extensively, so he wasn’t home to see much of this, or it never would have escalated like it did. I first tried Ambien in 2007 because my doctor suggested it. I found out quickly it would make me hallucinate before I fell asleep, but remembered most of it. I would freak out my mom and sister on the phone, telling them about chairs running around the room and other oddities. It was funny at first. My sister-in-law has MS and has taken it for years. She’s always quite amusing when she doesn’t go right to bed, gets all giggly, sweet and lovey (she’s normally pretty aloof). Then the ebay packages started arriving. Apparently I was ordering things online with no memory of it. Hideous fabric (I don’t sew), ugly used clothes in sizes that fit no one I know. Weird things I would never buy. Hundreds of dollars wasted. And the hangover/headaches/bodyaches became worse than not sleeping. So I quit taking it in 2008 and went back to the standard tricyclic antidepressants, SSRI’s, SSNRI’s. Frustrating because first of all, I’m not depressed or crazy, and it made me feel that something was wrong with me mentally. I just wanted to be able to sleep. The weight gain, dry mouth (and subsequent dental bills), and sexual problems were not worth it. Benadryl and herbals helped a little, but only lasted a few hours at best. Back to Ambien in early 2010. Always made sure I was in bed, under the covers and about to turn off the light before I took the meds. No wine or pain meds. The first couple weeks, I would find food and dishes that I had used in the middle of the night, no memory of cooking or eating (explained why none of the diets were working!). A couple times I had left the stove on – frightening. Every morning, I would go to turn on the news (same channel as before I went to bed), only to find my tv on a televangelist station, volume full blast (odd, mainly because we’re not Christian, and I’m not deaf). My teenage daughter said she would hear the preaching and come turn the tv off in the middle of the night. I would be sitting up in bed, wide eyed, unresponsive, and staring at a blank wall. It scared her. Again, no recollection of any of this. I keep a gun locked in my nightstand and was extremely worried that with me in that state something horrible would happen. So I started locking my bedroom door and told her not to worry about the tv. One night, my brother came over late in the evening after I had taken the Ambien (he didn’t know), and brought some beer. He was having girlfriend issues and wanted to talk. Apparently I broke out the vodka, drank the entire bottle, threw up all over the bathroom, scrubbed the entire bathroom, then went to sleep. I woke up to find the bathroom rugs were in the washing machine and no clue how they got there. He called the next day to check on me, which I thought was odd, as I had no recollection of ever seeing him that night. He told me the whole story and said while it was highly out of character for me, I had been highly entertaining. I blew it off, telling myself a girl needs sleep if she’s going to function, and sometimes I did actually sleep on the stuff. Then finally, the last straw. After a couple months, I started having horrible, evil nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night, haunted with suicidal, even homicidal plans. Detailed, awful plans. I obsessed about how to kill myself during the day. It was all consuming. I thought I was going crazy, but luckily know myself well enough to recognize that something was horribly wrong. I told my husband, who immediately suggested it could be the meds. The only thing new or different in an otherwise great and rewarding (if stressful and sleepless) life was the Ambien. I did more research (had done a little on starting it, but barely scratched the surface), and found that psychotic episodes are actually quite common. I gave my brand new refill to my sister-in-law because she has never had a problem with it. Talked to the doctor, who suggested a trial of Lunesta. It didn’t really help much, and is non-formulary with my insurance plan and therefore prohibitively expensive for the minor benefits it offered. After 2 months of almost no sleep and on the verge of a nervous breakdown from the exhaustion and stress of managing a chronic illness, demanding job, aging parents, and raising 2 teenagers with a husband overseas, doc gave me Xanax today, so we’ll see. Sometimes I think the societal risks of marijuana are almost worth it. Almost. At least it works, and doesn’t have any horrible side effects, other than the occasional bout of laziness and munchies, which actually work out quite well when I’m overstressed and my stomach flares. Anyway, just wanted to share my experience with Ambien, because I was lucky enough to recognize that the dark thoughts were a side effect of the drug before something awful happened. Tragically, lots of others haven’t been so lucky. Ambien does work wonders for some people, and should be an option, but not the first line choice. And people who take it, along with their families MUST be educated to watch out for the potentially life-threatening psychological side effects. And not just with the tiny print in the pharmacy write up or on obscure websites. This is a powerful, hypnotic, mind altering substance and not something to be prescribed to just anyone who complains about a few sleepless nights. My thoughts go out to all who struggle with sleeplessness. Talk to your doctor about ALL the options. If they won’t talk to you, or they talk down to you, find a new one. Remember, your doctor is your partner for wellness, not just someone who prescribes whatever the latest drug rep has sold them on and pushes you out the door.